a Wondering poem

I worry that I just take,

 

That I take advantage of those who I love most

Am I really in love or in love with how they make me feel? Or the grand gestures they provide.

Have I been thankful enough, have a reciprocated enough, have I been exciting enough?

Am I worthy enough?

Why am I not giving back what I receive?

Calling on lovers past

Just hoping to move on with fluidity and ease

Should I case after my daydreams of romance with another?

Of tenderness and kindness of another?

Did we ever see eye to eye? Or was it all masked by our allure of someone who is just like us, who knows similar things, who we think we can trust?

Do they know us? Do they truly care about us? Are they looking out for our best interests or just merely a lustful dream they wish to fulfill themselves?

What’s it all worth? When the shiny thing that kept you captivated starts to vanish?

When you say “I love you” just to hang on to them a little longer, to wish them to stay instead of go

What are we doing, pretending to be people who we are not to please and satisfy the other?

Who are we kidding? Who are we deceiving? Who are we fooling?

Why continue?

 

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off alone.

 

In my own world, consumed by my own thoughts- eager to get better, to improve myself and seek new possibility without the burden of worrying of another

Is that frame of mind too selfish?

Is it uncaring and unwise?

I think it’s just a state of becoming that we all must discover, what its truly like to be just you and no one else.

The hard parts are the judgements, the maybe’s and what –ifs,

There’s danger in the unknown and a curse that rides our lips

With sweet words spoken but our minds stay adrift,

How will you know what’s right? What’s permanent, what fits?

I want so much out of life but don’t want the tides of time to over throw me, overtake me.

I want to make life happen instead of just letting it happen to me.

I want to see the world, I want to chase the wind to the west and I want to dance on distant shores.

Will you be with me?

Will you be willing to go for the ride?

When I’m all over the place when you just want to stay inside?

“Don’t worry I’ll come back “I say,

but truth be told that is a lie

for I belong amongst the wildflowers

I need to follow my heart’s desire- to help others to feel free within their own skin

I don’t know if I’ll come back or when or if so what time,

I just need to be alone to be confident in learning about who I am

I need to get out

You can join me if you like,

But I’m heading west

So see you later and good night.

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