Wow I feel like I’m not even a full human being right now. I feel like I just need to learn to just DO things, and JUST GO for it. I think too much, I fight against my natural impulses and it’s so strange because at the root of my being I know that I am capable and all I want to do is harness the full capacity of my true self and its fullest and truest form and not be afraid of it. I was doing a Valentine’s Day monologue of Julia Roberts’ and just tanked it. And I hope I didn’t come across as a cocky basted. I just wasn’t clear with my intention or the tactics behind what I wanted to say, the grounds for which it meant something to me and what I wanted to evoke from the other person. I actually felt really lost.
I think one of the scariest re-directs was to feel like I was more available, dare I say wanting to date this handsome guy beside me. I feel like that is so out of my own character and just to think about trying to sideways- kind of seduce someone is something so foreign to me because I always judge myself when I’m in these circumstances. I always imagine what I look like from the outside when I try to “flirt” and I always assume it looks ridiculous and strange. SO what if it looked natural? What if I looked available, what if I looked attractive and approachable, because I am naturally. So why fight it?
I feel like I was fighting it because I don’t want to open the can of worms that I’m not good at flirting or the fact that I feel really awkward when I do. Because I know I wear my emotions on the surface, and I’m horrible at hiding my giddy excitement so that’s why I feel stupid and awkward when I’m trying to be in love, or giving in to the mutual awareness of attraction. Its scary, its unnerving, its exposing and I wish to keep distance in some way so that some mystery is still preserved. Also I’ve never really had the best mutual awareness between someone I really liked before. I mean Anthony was the closest thing to that and yet it seems like its tainted now. I guess I just need to think as my character, and how she, having a child but being single is desperate on some level for human contact even if only for a day or night.
I force back these emotions and desires because I don’t know how to cope with the situation and be fully present with love and admiration. To be fully aware and welcome this awareness is something very foreign to me . I guess I just have to let loose and settle into the fun of just casual flirting. That is something I can totally do. Be independent and uphold my strong exterior as “intelligent” but add a playfulness when talking about the stewardess.
I need to learn to be more subtle with my motivations and inner self-talk.