So recently I’ve been going through a hectic series of events. Some more successful than others, some less so. In the past week I’ve experienced some pretty amazing things including being a part of Kenny Pearl’s Winter Intensive, performing but also creating and going to rehearsals of my own creation and interest. I feel super independent, and so in charge of my life it’s pretty wild! I love being a part of an arts community; whether it be acting, dance, visual art or music, I just can’t get enough.
I’m still trying to decide which is more difficult though, choreography that is super-fast, and intricate in detail or doing choreography that is slow and simple. James Kudleka really started this question for me (if we’re talking about my artistic journey here, and where it lies). Today I had my first rehearsal with Preston for the trio that he is hoping to create for choreo. It is super cool, very atherial, majestic, powerful and present and is definitely going to challenge me to be ok with the simple things, gestures, and the exposure that the simple things gets me to feel. I really do hope to one day be more confident with myself and trusting of who I am and who I am becoming. It’s really interesting too though, that Preston chose me to be the earthy character of his trio. It’s based on video game characters, the trifecta as he put it; composed of myself, Stella and Josie and we each embody a creationist element. Stella is fire and power, Josie is Water and wisdom and I am supposed to be Earth and confidence. My character is also loosely associated with forests, the joy and youth associated with a genuine curiosity and trust that allows me to welcome other people into my world. I think this is so cool that Preston sees me as this kind of person. Deep down I feel like I am connected to these qualities but in my real , and current everyday life, somehow I seem to be denying myself these qualities; as if I’m not owning up to my full potential and not fully believing the truth that resides within me. The truth that desperately wants to reach out to others, the truth in me that wants to feel organized and on top of both my own work and reliability to my friends and family. The truth that just wants to be free, that is carefree, spirited and light and just wants to be happy, the truth that I deeply care for people and I deeply care for my environment in its relationship to others. I desperately want to be whole, but I’m still learning and happy with discovering the small truths that emerge from the simple things, the small things and the things I get to share with others.
Recently we had interviews for dance and the shocking thing that a teacher of mine said how I was the only one who does the blue section the way I intended it to be. THAT JUST TOTALLY BLEW ME AWAY! And I couldn’t help but tear up a bit! Overall it was a really good interview, and although I try to diminish my accomplishments in order to maintain friendships with others, I feel like I shouldn’t do that. All its doing is tearing me up inside, when what I should be doing is celebrating, and sharing some of these accomplishments! Let me just say that it was an honor to work with James, and he is the most humble creator I know. It’s true when he wants something, he’s going to do everything in his power to make it possible. I secretly wonder if he will ask me to do something when I’m older J! Also today Kevin aka the piano guy for Tanya’s classes ran into me at Loblaws and said hey to me first, and mentioned that he thought I “was the best one in the blue dance”. LIKE WOW. I really hope being a dancer can be a real thing for me! And in all honesty I think it already is, but to be in the real world making money from it would be so totally awesome! It’s all about the journey though. And each new project is another chance to discover something else about myself as well as a chance to understand more about how I work as a dancer and what are my tendencies and habits. Overall its good to notice accomplishments, but also take note that it is only a stepping stone along your own journey, so make the most of each opportunity while it is in the present. Learn as much as you can. Create as much as you can and imagine as much as you can to help fuel and inspire your dance journey no matter what that might be! Its easy to get caught up in compliments especially if you don’t hear them that often like me, but I never want to be the dancer that gets full of themselves. All you can do is take it in with a grain of salt. What matters is if you felt like you were truly invested in the work, if you learned something from it and if you discovered something different about your own work and work ethic. Man I learned a lot. Patience for one thing, which is kind of crazy because I thought I was a pretty easy-going and patient person. Not until we worked on Ryerson Dances evening work. It was a long process that from the outside seemed straight forward, a complex web of patterns and changes of direction. But from the inside it was a machine, everyone had their own role to play and each pathway was different. Unique to that individual. And that is why all of our 2nd year understudies were freaking out and hoping that none of us would get injured so that they would have to fill in for one of us.
Being an understudy is a whole different can of worms. I strongly believe you need to be twice as focused and determined to be that flexible and precise at your job. The what if’s are a little jolting and exciting if you can fill someone’s spot on stage, but only if you know what you’re doing and for that I truly admire all understudies everywhere.
I just also want to say how grateful I am this holiday season because I have people who care about me and people who love me and who I can rely on if I ever need a helping hand. I am so grateful for all my dance friends that I’m only becoming closer to as the years progress! I just also think it was so wonderful that yesterday I was able to improv jam with Andrea and Preston. We went to potts studio and just messed around, Peggy Baker style and I think this could actually go somewhere in terms of a solo! I was even happier that Preston and Andrea get along really well too! Then after kind of improving, Andrea and I went to dinner at Jack Astors and it was really nice, I tried a Caesar for the first time which Kieran loves so I thought I would give it a try. It wasn’t too bad, but vodka is not really my thing. I bet he could make better Caesar’s. the spice is pretty nice though. We had a spectacular on the balcony, and shared some sweet potato fries too! SO GOOD.
Today I worked on Clara and my quartet with Alana, Josie, Sarah, and Mary and I think it’s coming along, we just need to mess around together with potential choreo to fill the blocking we have. I notice I’m really spontaneous and wandering when I create, so having time is really important to me to create. But as I was throwing out random ideas, I could sense Clara getting a little apprehensive because some of these ideas were contradictory to what we had earlier discussed and agreed upon, but I’m all for “in the spirit of trying”. So we’ll get there. I love the piece of music that Clara suggested. It totally works!
Now I’ve got my solo, clara quartet, Lianne’s group piece, Micha’s, Prestons trio, Katrina’s as background, my group piece, and potentially something with Rachel… maybe pj…. So that’s at least 7things I’m involved in and I need to sit down some time to sort it all out and organize all my ideas. Tomorrow I have my piece for only an hour so I’ll have to figure out some sort of music thing, and I’ll need to be super-efficient which is kinda stressing me out, but I’ll be able to do it.
Omg I’m so dumb, I bought groceries and I have no clue when I’m going to see me family! << but I shouldn’t be too hard on myself because technically today was my first day off official school things! I can do this 😉 !