So Today I was surprised that I had so much time this morning. I went through my normal motions, did some laundry, resented my heap of a mess of clothes on my bedroom floor along with other miscellaneous lost things just floating around. But Today was different. I wanted to harness the energy of the day but somehow I let myself sink into the slump of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to see anyone, and not wanting to be accountable or responsible for anything. It’s just easier. And that’s when I realized this might one of the reasons why I’m still single, I just don’t want to own up to responsibility and accountability. Of course, this isn’t true all the time, but sometimes I just feel really down and out with the world. Like I don’t have a significant impact for anyone to notice or to care to reach out and want to hang out with me. So pessimistic I know. Anyways I know I’m putting off a few things right now and maybe this is also why I just feel I need to hide from the world for a bit. For instance, synchro. It still gets under my skin sometimes because it’s just annoying to reply to emails and things. But if an annoyance is all it is, surely I can deal with that quite simply and directly. And I guess I can, just that sometimes when my internet is shitty I hate waiting for it to load, or I just start listening to music. That of course will spiral me into a creative outburst or a wandering mind into what kind of potential pieces I could make, what they could be about and what do I want to say as an artist. I’ve been thinking about this a lot after seeing a bunch of performances for production.
We saw TDT perform, loved the mirrors on the floor, really liked the first section, and didn’t really like the second half, although most of my class loved the second half. I feel like I want to show pretty shapes, and I want to feel those shapes when I watch something. The meaning and whatever you take away from it is up to you. Usually I’m left with unspeakable feelings. As if I didn’t enjoy it fully enough, or as if I didn’t get what everyone else saw. I’m still wrestling with this a bit. Being able to find my artistic voice, but also and critical voice as well; that isn’t just criticism but observation based and unassuming. A wondering voice. An interested and curious voice. I feel like Tessa, Kirsten, Katrina and Micha have this down to a T. And I admire their opinions but I need to find a way to carve this kind of path for myself. To get more involved somehow, to reach out and to experiment more often. To dare to do something different a little more frequently and without as much hesitation. I feel like Kate’s creative performance studies class will help. I just fear sometimes that people will see me differently when I’m abstracted from the environment that they got to know me by. For Kate, it was High school, but come University I’m amongst giants. I love my peers and maybe I need to find a way of being less critical and judgemental of myself. Once I open this channel I assume I’ll be able to be more at peace with how I naturally am inclined to interact with my peers although sometimes I don’t express or intermingle with them too often. They own their own agency, their ability to make their own decisions and to be truly comfortable with who they are, in their own skin, in their own sensuality and sexuality, in their own body and wholeness.
Yoga really does help me get there. So tomorrow I will be going to 8am yoga! Duncan’s classes are THE best. Which reminds me I should probably talk to Anthony? He is a wondrous human being. Mystically wondrous.
Oh, Also I saw David at the show watching as well, a piece that to be honest was really predictable. I love Erin Poole as a dancer, but Sahara wasn’t as emphasized and some of the themes they didn’t revisit so I was kind of disappointed. Movement quality was awesome though!
Anyways, when I was talking to David about our piece, I truly feel grateful to be a part of it. Every time I pass by one of my friends, I think of how beautiful they are and how I’m embedded in something so amazing I just don’t know how I came about it. It’s a huge company cast of 57 dancers and to be honest I don’t feel closely connected to a lot of them, but there are a few people that are worth the effort. Vicki, omg she’s so cool, and Zoe gives me these weird vibes as if she just can’t look at me. She claims I’m trying to hold back a laugh but, ok, well sometimes I am… but most of the time I’m just so happy to be a part of this magical creation. The group chain section, also known as Section B, just feels so wholesome. I feel like we’re all looking out for one another, and we are there to help each other out when things go wrong. We support each other. We trust each other. And some people have weak handshakes…like JC… but that’s ok because we are all fighting and holding each other. There’s a peace about it that makes me want to cry by the time its finished. The swirling energies scatter and disperse, into a mob of pedestrian people just simply passing by taking each other’s hands. A simple gesture but a calm and loving gesture. A connecting gesture. A gesture of humanity of humility or kindness and connectivity. James has gone through some pretty rough patches and Lawrence has been there through all of them. I want to do the piece justice, I want to create a loving and a “strength place” that allows people to feel calm when looking at me, I want people to see me for who I am, not just a bunch of assumptions, I want people to know me with a burning passion that could possibly be the same amount as my love for dance. Maybe I should try thinking of “do they see me for who I really am” as I exchange glances with people. Not trying to get into their heads, not trying to figure out what they’re all about or anticipating their actions, but wondering if they are truly accepting me, or if they are truly accepting me … as if the whole time it’s a question I must ask everyone I pass. There is strength in curiosity, and maybe I have to venture into that territory a bit more. I definitely feel that when I look at Tessa. One more thing I would really like to work on is being more accountable. Being reliable. And being responsible. I need to make time for creativity. I need to harbour an attention to retaining and absorbing, I need to make sure I get to bed on time to allow for this to happen. This way I’m at my absolute best to perform and rehearse. I want to be my best, so I have to put time into it, I have to put in the work, to make my work sparkle the way I know it can. I would love to be more like Micha in that way. So onward grant writing!!