A final realization
So Matthew sees life in realistic terms. I do not. I choose to get hurt, to explore for myself what its like to navigate the world through open engaging eyes. I want the world so much. I want to live, I don’t want to stifle what lies inside.
Was I testing him too much? Was I actually too caught in my head to actually invite the relationship in one last time? Well I started to wander again. When snapchat told me that Mason always smiles when he’s around me or that Philip is still thinking about me, well it makes me wonder. Am I getting all that I could? I deeply feel like I can live more and recently I saw that what Steve has that Matthew does not. Steve has a playful mind, Matthew does not. I’m active, I care about my body, so does he but he doesn’t want to really enjoy his body with me. He’s afraid of insects, he hates dogs.
He wants to capture my voice he doesn’t want to enjoy my playing mandolin, but maybe that was his way of trying. I was too harsh on my perspective on my image of what I thought I wanted.
I wanted to be more open, but I couldn’t. I honestly tried and I know I did.
He’s just not the right one for me. There was always something lingering that was a disconnect that I feel can be a smaller disconnect if not, non-existent all together.
I choose to be positive, I choose to have energy, I choose to challenge myself and push my boundaries in terms of confidence and you know what, I think I did. I actually owned up to a lot of immaturity on my part.
I mean I am a horrible listener and I want to be better at it, and I want to be more engaged and truly there for people in a more genuine and real way. Maybe I said goodbye to one example of this, but I’m sure another will come along. I’m positive of it. I want to be there more for my mom and Taya and Steve and especially my dad and nana. I need to make genuine space for them and not be so selfish and caught up in my own self to not have a care in the world about anyone else. I deeply want to care, I want to be involved but sometimes I fear that the only way to sort of get in without making a scratch is to associate is temporal means. But by doing so, I get nowhere at all, just to be known but not truly known for being myself is surely not a way that one wishes to be known as.
What I learned is that I need a voice. I need to listen but I also need to make sure all my needs inquiries and questions are put upfront and not left to dwell and fester in the back of my mind, turning into things they don’t need to be. So in one way, I regret some of those things that made Matthew seem like a bad person. But in the long run I knew deep down within my heart it wasn’t going to work out. Like it can work, but it wasn’t as effortless as I had originally imagined. But mostly it just doesn’t. It’s just not as fun as I think relationships can be and I want that for both of us. I’m just not in it. I tried, but it just didn’t click.