a Wondering poem

I worry that I just take,

 

That I take advantage of those who I love most

Am I really in love or in love with how they make me feel? Or the grand gestures they provide.

Have I been thankful enough, have a reciprocated enough, have I been exciting enough?

Am I worthy enough?

Why am I not giving back what I receive?

Calling on lovers past

Just hoping to move on with fluidity and ease

Should I case after my daydreams of romance with another?

Of tenderness and kindness of another?

Did we ever see eye to eye? Or was it all masked by our allure of someone who is just like us, who knows similar things, who we think we can trust?

Do they know us? Do they truly care about us? Are they looking out for our best interests or just merely a lustful dream they wish to fulfill themselves?

What’s it all worth? When the shiny thing that kept you captivated starts to vanish?

When you say “I love you” just to hang on to them a little longer, to wish them to stay instead of go

What are we doing, pretending to be people who we are not to please and satisfy the other?

Who are we kidding? Who are we deceiving? Who are we fooling?

Why continue?

 

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be better off alone.

 

In my own world, consumed by my own thoughts- eager to get better, to improve myself and seek new possibility without the burden of worrying of another

Is that frame of mind too selfish?

Is it uncaring and unwise?

I think it’s just a state of becoming that we all must discover, what its truly like to be just you and no one else.

The hard parts are the judgements, the maybe’s and what –ifs,

There’s danger in the unknown and a curse that rides our lips

With sweet words spoken but our minds stay adrift,

How will you know what’s right? What’s permanent, what fits?

I want so much out of life but don’t want the tides of time to over throw me, overtake me.

I want to make life happen instead of just letting it happen to me.

I want to see the world, I want to chase the wind to the west and I want to dance on distant shores.

Will you be with me?

Will you be willing to go for the ride?

When I’m all over the place when you just want to stay inside?

“Don’t worry I’ll come back “I say,

but truth be told that is a lie

for I belong amongst the wildflowers

I need to follow my heart’s desire- to help others to feel free within their own skin

I don’t know if I’ll come back or when or if so what time,

I just need to be alone to be confident in learning about who I am

I need to get out

You can join me if you like,

But I’m heading west

So see you later and good night.

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Alysa Pires Presentation reflection

September 25. 2016

Today Alysa Pires came into class and told us all about her experiences when she left Ryerson’s dance program and how she found her niche as she became a professional dancer in the real world. I found her talk really great because she brought to light not only how our program at Ryerson can be a little hard to understand based on the feedback we receive and how everyone’s Ryerson experience is different.

She mentioned how she was a bit of a teachers’ pet growing up and how she was lucky that she had so many choreographic opportunities come her way, largely due to how faculty admired her work. But I thought it was really grounding and humbling to understand that now; as she reflects on her Ryerson experience years later, she acknowledged that she created work that faculty would like and likely include in one of their shows. I felt a little uneasy when she said this because immediately I thought of my own work that I’ve been lucky enough to present and perform in at Choreo last year. I also wonder if they chose my solo mostly because it was just different for having live music and would be an interesting piece to have in the show or if they truly valued the choreographic components to my work. I always wrestle with this notion of if my work is enough or if I’m actually valued or not. But I think this largely comes into play because I have a hard time acknowledging my own accomplishments without the help of others or at least some sort of outside reassurance. This makes me wonder sometimes if I’m cut out for this kind of industry because if I rely too heavily on the approval of others to determine the value of my work and who I am as an artist I will probably go insane.

One thing that I did find really inspiring and helpful was the idea that because 1st and 2nd year the faculty basically tries to make you the same as everyone else by drilling in all this technique that needs to be covered, it’s what you do in 3rd and 4th year that determine who are where they need to be. It’s the itch that never seems to let up, the festering desire to dance or create that will shine through and will make you the individual and the unique dancer that you always were. I feel like so far I have made a few strides as to establishing more of a personal and unique way of developing my own abilities as a dancer. First with learning how to choreograph on a large number of people with my piece that opened the A show along with my solo that used a unique set up of live music with live improvisation between both myself and my highly esteemed friends and musicians. Still regardless of what I’ve done so far, I’ve always been skeptical of the weight of which my work may have or if it is just a matter of giving the teachers what they want to see. The one thing I know for sure though is that I learned so much from each individual process and that it was truly the exploration of choreography that kept my interest and kept me wanting to uncover more about how to re-arrange and establish an idea in a realized form.

The last thing that really struck me after Alysa’s talk with us was when she reiterated the importance of using studio space while it’s still so accessible to us and to just experiment with friends and me unafraid to ask others to test out some new concepts or just ask for an outside eye. I feel like it’s so easy to get caught up amongst the hustle and bustle of school and dedicating our time to our classes but it is so important to take time for yourself and your own curiosities to again help in developing who you are as a dancer and not just another good dancer that graduated. What makes you unique and special is what you do with your time, your curiosities and your friends and I want to truly fulfill this idea for the rest of this year! In addition, I think it’s important to develop a sense of gratitude and generosity when working with others and remain open to all that this program has to offer because there is so much to learn and every opportunity will enhance my understanding of who I am as a dancer and ultimately will tell me where I want to take it as I leave. So as of right now I want to really make use of the tasks presented to me and I want to put more of my heart and soul into my work. I want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be and if I don’t put in the extra hours of reviewing and thinking about what I need to work on, how do I expect to get any better? My new mantra is practice by doing. I will try to achieve this by exploring in a studio at least once every week. Whether that means that time is spent on my own working on monologues or new movement phrase concepts or if it means working with others to generate some material just for fun, I want to harbour creative thought. I want to generate material and a stronger awareness of my own body and be less afraid to just aimlessly create. By having time set aside to be in a studio then I can approach working through the tough bits with less apprehension as well as experiencing and feeling movement with less pressure of seeing a result instantaneously.

It’s Ok to have an Opinion, Notice in Others, Notice in Yourself

So Today I was surprised that I had so much time this morning. I went through my normal motions, did some laundry, resented my heap of a mess of clothes on my bedroom floor along with other miscellaneous lost things just floating around. But Today was different. I wanted to harness the energy of the day but somehow I let myself sink into the slump of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to see anyone, and not wanting to be accountable or responsible for anything. It’s just easier. And that’s when I realized this might one of the reasons why I’m still single, I just don’t want to own up to responsibility and accountability. Of course, this isn’t true all the time, but sometimes I just feel really down and out with the world. Like I don’t have a significant impact for anyone to notice or to care to reach out and want to hang out with me. So pessimistic I know. Anyways I know I’m putting off a few things right now and maybe this is also why I just feel I need to hide from the world for a bit. For instance, synchro. It still gets under my skin sometimes because it’s just annoying to reply to emails and things. But if an annoyance is all it is, surely I can deal with that quite simply and directly. And I guess I can, just that sometimes when my internet is shitty I hate waiting for it to load, or I just start listening to music. That of course will spiral me into a creative outburst or a wandering mind into what kind of potential pieces I could make, what they could be about and what do I want to say as an artist. I’ve been thinking about this a lot after seeing a bunch of performances for production.

 

We saw TDT perform, loved the mirrors on the floor, really liked the first section, and didn’t really like the second half, although most of my class loved the second half. I feel like I want to show pretty shapes, and I want to feel those shapes when I watch something. The meaning and whatever you take away from it is up to you. Usually I’m left with unspeakable feelings. As if I didn’t enjoy it fully enough, or as if I didn’t get what everyone else saw. I’m still wrestling with this a bit. Being able to find my artistic voice, but also and critical voice as well; that isn’t just criticism but observation based and unassuming. A wondering voice. An interested and curious voice. I feel like Tessa, Kirsten, Katrina and Micha have this down to a T. And I admire their opinions but I need to find a way to carve this kind of path for myself. To get more involved somehow, to reach out and to experiment more often. To dare to do something different a little more frequently and without as much hesitation.  I feel like Kate’s creative performance studies class will help. I just fear sometimes that people will see me differently when I’m abstracted from the environment that they got to know me by. For Kate, it was High school, but come University I’m amongst giants. I love my peers and maybe I need to find a way of being less critical and judgemental of myself. Once I open this channel I assume I’ll be able to be more at peace with how I naturally am inclined to interact with my peers although sometimes I don’t express or intermingle with them too often. They own their own agency, their ability to make their own decisions and to be truly comfortable with who they are, in their own skin, in their own sensuality and sexuality, in their own body and wholeness.

Yoga really does help me get there. So tomorrow I will be going to 8am yoga! Duncan’s classes are THE best. Which reminds me I should probably talk to Anthony? He is a wondrous human being. Mystically wondrous.

Oh, Also I saw David at the show watching as well, a piece that to be honest was really predictable. I love Erin Poole as a dancer, but Sahara wasn’t as emphasized and some of the themes they didn’t revisit so I was kind of disappointed. Movement quality was awesome though!

Anyways, when I was talking to David about our piece, I truly feel grateful to be a part of it. Every time I pass by one of my friends, I think of how beautiful they are and how I’m embedded in something so amazing I just don’t know how I came about it. It’s a huge company cast of 57 dancers and to be honest I don’t feel closely connected to a lot of them, but there are a few people that are worth the effort. Vicki, omg she’s so cool, and Zoe gives me these weird vibes as if she just can’t look at me. She claims I’m trying to hold back a laugh but, ok, well sometimes I am… but most of the time I’m just so happy to be a part of this magical creation. The group chain section, also known as Section B, just feels so wholesome. I feel like we’re all looking out for one another, and we are there to help each other out when things go wrong. We support each other. We trust each other. And some people have weak handshakes…like JC… but that’s ok because we are all fighting and holding each other. There’s a peace about it that makes me want to cry by the time its finished. The swirling energies scatter and disperse, into a mob of pedestrian people just simply passing by taking each other’s hands. A simple gesture but a calm and loving gesture. A connecting gesture. A gesture of humanity of humility or kindness and connectivity. James has gone through some pretty rough patches and Lawrence has been there through all of them. I want to do the piece justice, I want to create a loving and a “strength place” that allows people to feel calm when looking at me, I want people to see me for who I am, not just a bunch of assumptions, I want people to know me with a burning passion that could possibly be the same amount as my love for dance. Maybe I should try thinking of “do they see me for who I really am” as I exchange glances with people. Not trying to get into their heads, not trying to figure out what they’re all about or anticipating their actions, but wondering if they are truly accepting me, or if they are truly accepting me … as if the whole time it’s a question I must ask everyone I pass.  There is strength in curiosity, and maybe I have to venture into that territory a bit more. I definitely feel that when I look at Tessa. One more thing I would really like to work on is being more accountable. Being reliable. And being responsible.  I need to make time for creativity. I need to harbour an attention to retaining and absorbing, I need to make sure I get to bed on time to allow for this to happen. This way I’m at my absolute best to perform and rehearse. I want to be my best, so I have to put time into it, I have to put in the work, to make my work sparkle the way I know it can. I would love to be more like Micha in that way. So onward grant writing!!

My take on choreography ~ ideas and statements as how I wish to continue

Like the changing tides, every reaction had an equal reaction. I want to be sucked into your orbit propelled through space, held there in a vacuum of nothingness reaching out amongst the matrix that makes up your very being.

Tides, cycles of the moon, influences over one another- relationships, a misty and opposite attraction…

I don’t want to be afraid of who I am, I want to know more about who I am and what I want to be

I don’t want to be afraid of my own sexuality,

I want to love.

I don’t want to view the changes of becoming a woman to be something to be ashamed of

I want to bleed.

I don’t want to feel caught or trapped in mundane and mediocre ways of just getting by

I want to live and dance in the rain!

to run with wolves, people may say…

I want to affect people, and take them along for the journey to enter my mind as a choreographer.

Questions and concepts to play with:

  • How to harness the power of the nervous system and how to actually experience things and be present.
  • How to activate the nervous system
  • How to calm the nervous system
  • How to use it to infuse and encourage a richer experience and deeper performance
  • How to establish meaningful relationships between people on stage, to see negative space as well as positive- in puzzle piecing two bodies together
  • How to remain simple and clear with choreographic ideas or intention while still having impact ** (to me this is especially hard… why am I always so extra? I need to find ways to pare it down to its essential essence)

Art is Power, Art is Possible

So recently I’ve been going through a hectic series of events. Some more successful than others, some less so. In the past week I’ve experienced some pretty amazing things including being a part of Kenny Pearl’s Winter Intensive, performing but also creating and going to rehearsals of my own creation and interest. I feel super independent, and so in charge of my life it’s pretty wild! I love being a part of an arts community; whether it be acting, dance, visual art or music, I just can’t get enough.

I’m still trying to decide which is more difficult though, choreography that is super-fast, and intricate in detail or doing choreography that is slow and simple. James Kudleka really started this question for me (if we’re talking about my artistic journey here, and where it lies). Today I had my first rehearsal with Preston for the trio that he is hoping to create for choreo. It is super cool, very atherial, majestic, powerful and present and is definitely going to challenge me to be ok with the simple things, gestures, and the exposure that the simple things gets me to feel. I really do hope to one day be more confident with myself and trusting of who I am and who I am becoming. It’s really interesting too though, that Preston chose me to be the earthy character of his trio. It’s based on video game characters, the trifecta as he put it; composed of myself, Stella and Josie and we each embody a creationist element. Stella is fire and power, Josie is Water and wisdom and I am supposed to be Earth and confidence. My character is also loosely associated with forests, the joy and youth associated with a genuine curiosity and trust that allows me to welcome other people into my world. I think this is so cool that Preston sees me as this kind of person. Deep down I feel like I am connected to these qualities but in my real , and current everyday life, somehow I seem to be denying myself these qualities; as if I’m not owning up to my full potential and not fully believing the truth that resides within me. The truth that desperately wants to reach out to others, the truth in me that wants to feel organized and on top of both my own work and reliability to my friends and family. The truth that just wants to be free, that is carefree, spirited and light and just wants to be happy, the truth that I deeply care for people and I deeply care for my environment in its relationship to others. I desperately want to be whole, but I’m still learning and happy with discovering the small truths that emerge from the simple things, the small things and the things I get to share with others.

 

Recently we had interviews for dance and the shocking thing that a teacher of mine said how I was the only one who does the blue section the way I intended it to be. THAT JUST TOTALLY BLEW ME AWAY! And I couldn’t help but tear up a bit! Overall it was a really good interview, and although I try to diminish my accomplishments in order to maintain friendships with others, I feel like I shouldn’t do that. All its doing is tearing me up inside, when what I should be doing is celebrating, and sharing some of these accomplishments! Let me just say that it was an honor to work with James, and he is the most humble creator I know. It’s true when he wants something, he’s going to do everything in his power to make it possible. I secretly wonder if he will ask me to do something when I’m older J! Also today Kevin aka the piano guy for Tanya’s classes ran into me at Loblaws and said hey to me first, and mentioned that he thought I “was the best one in the blue dance”. LIKE WOW. I really hope being a dancer can be a real thing for me! And in all honesty I think it already is, but to be in the real world making money from it would be so totally awesome! It’s all about the journey though. And each new project is another chance to discover something else about myself as well as a chance to understand more about how I work as a dancer and what are my tendencies and habits. Overall its good to notice accomplishments, but also take note that it is only a stepping stone along your own journey, so make the most of each opportunity while it is in the present. Learn as much as you can. Create as much as you can and imagine as much as you can to help fuel and inspire your dance journey no matter what that might be! Its easy to get caught up in compliments especially if you don’t hear them that often like me, but I never want to be the dancer that gets full of themselves. All you can do is take it in with a grain of salt. What matters is if you felt like you were truly invested in the work, if you learned something from it and if you discovered something different about your own work and work ethic. Man I learned a lot. Patience for one thing, which is kind of crazy because I thought I was a pretty easy-going and patient person. Not until we worked on Ryerson Dances evening work. It was a long process that from the outside seemed straight forward, a complex web of patterns and changes of direction. But from the inside it was a machine, everyone had their own role to play and each pathway was different. Unique to that individual. And that is why all of our 2nd year understudies were freaking out and hoping that none of us would get injured so that they would have to fill in for one of us.

Being an understudy is a whole different can of worms. I strongly believe you need to be twice as focused and determined to be that flexible and precise at your job. The what if’s are a little jolting and exciting if you can fill someone’s spot on stage, but only if you know what you’re doing and for that I truly admire all understudies everywhere.

 

I just also want to say how grateful I am this holiday season because I have people who care about me and people who love me and who I can rely on if I ever need a helping hand. I am so grateful for all my dance friends that I’m only becoming closer to as the years progress! I just also think it was so wonderful that yesterday I was able to improv jam with Andrea and Preston. We went to potts studio and just messed around, Peggy Baker style and I think this could actually go somewhere in terms of a solo! I was even happier that Preston and Andrea get along really well too! Then after kind of improving, Andrea and I went to dinner at Jack Astors and it was really nice, I tried a Caesar for the first time which Kieran loves so I thought I would give it a try. It wasn’t too bad, but vodka is not really my thing. I bet he could make better Caesar’s. the spice is pretty nice though. We had a spectacular on the balcony, and shared some sweet potato fries too! SO GOOD.

 

Today I worked on Clara and my quartet with Alana, Josie, Sarah, and Mary and I think it’s coming along, we just need to mess around together with potential choreo to fill the blocking we have. I notice I’m really spontaneous and wandering when I create, so having time is really important to me to create. But as I was throwing out random ideas, I could sense Clara getting a little apprehensive because some of these ideas were contradictory to what we had earlier discussed and agreed upon, but I’m all for “in the spirit of trying”. So we’ll get there. I love the piece of music that Clara suggested. It totally works!

Now I’ve got my solo, clara quartet, Lianne’s group piece, Micha’s, Prestons trio, Katrina’s as background, my group piece, and potentially something with Rachel… maybe pj…. So that’s at least 7things I’m involved in and I need to sit down some time to sort it all out and organize all my ideas. Tomorrow I have my piece for only an hour so I’ll have to figure out some sort of music thing, and I’ll need to be super-efficient which is kinda stressing me out, but I’ll be able to do it.

 

Omg I’m so dumb, I bought groceries and I have no clue when I’m going to see me family! << but I shouldn’t be too hard on myself because technically today was my first day off official school things! I can do this 😉 !

 

Inspiration for today

Life is whatever you make it out to be, whatever you choose to believe. So what if I was beautiful? So what if I was curious? Ask, inquire and believe it if you want to! Better to believe something that keeps you happy though, while not lying to yourself is the trick. Without sugar coating it. Why wouldn’t you choose to believe that life is fabulous?

Dance Discoveries; creation

Over the past little while I’ve been trying really hard to get out of this funk I’m in and try to push myself to trying different dance classes and making more of a habit of going and getting involved in the dance community. I feel like so far this past week has been pretty successful in terms of that, especially since I seem to be going about my days in limbo without having the stress and ongoing stamina needed for school and the demands of obligations to do with extra jobs and homework.

This past week I managed to go to a few drop in classes including a full day workshop on Saturday as well as an audition on Sunday! Not bad for feeling out of it I would say.

Form Louis laberge-cote ‘s sessions I discovered a few choreography affirming statements and acquisitions about the creative process:

  • Creating involves the balance of maintaining the original inquisitions you started with on your exploration, with the flexibility to evolve and sometimes change that idea into something else. This is because these initial ideas sometimes only serve as a starting point, but without them, you would’ve gone on a different journey. The caution lies in your attachment to the beginnings and little ideas and it’s up to you to decide how important they are to you.

 

  • One question in the group was “ how do you go about the refinement process?” To which louis gave a few examples to go about beginning the cleaning process. Some of which are things like create a duet or some kinds of partner dance then remove the partner to create distinct and unique solos as if another person is there. Or develop movement right from the beginning of the process to initialize material that you both agree on by flocking, mimicking, copying and responding to another individual and their own way of moving in their bodies.

 

  •  fraying the edges and adding texture~ give images to inform energy and qualities you wish to portray ex. Bonnie Kim’s Fred flintstone feet = super grounded and rooted, making imprints in the sand and giving texture and power to movement.

 

  • Dancers shouldn’t know what role their dancing but should know what it feels like. They need to create the story for themselves. (wise words as I reflect on how much or how little to give the dancers to get an inside look into my brain as I’m creating from a personal and private place that I might feel awkward sharing).

 

  • When you get stuck or hit a wall of creative vacancy: Then its time to trick yourself into something else, keep the mind fresh and moving by changing tasks and not dwelling on any specific task that leaves you stumped. Here its super important to be true to your emotional state, and sometimes working through your most emotional and intense moments creates some of the most beautiful work. You can also improvise with someone then later take them out of the equation and try to remember what you did to unearth some new and less familiar movement into your own solos and phrases. Another good way to get out of the funk is to just ask someone to give you some tasks! Also a great way to mix it up and help inspire some new movement is by just messing around the studio in some different clothes! Mix it up and get out of your habits!

 

  • I had a great experience with this at the Ignite audition! Hanna kiel gave us a recipe of numbers, each corresponding to a certain number of body parts and the same corresponding number of directions with the body in space. A space to body equation sequence. Then once those tasks were filled ( kind of reminded me of a spectroscopy tape of numbering- of documenting what was being danced). Biology and Science in its relation to dance has always fascinated my creative mind and my dancing body. How to portray, how to shape how to give new context to old concepts excites me! Anyways then Hannah underlined certain numbers which indicated the pathway to get to those particular reaching shapes would take on an indirect pathway. Then she later came around and circled pairs of numbers indicating that those two movements would happen in close succession to one another- tending and giving more detail to the speed in which the phrase was performed. It was a lovely way of going about creating!

 

  • Another archaic thing that really struck me was when Louis was talking about creation methods:Maybe its not what you’re creating – it’s the methods you are using to get there that are slowing you down within your creative process. I guess its up to us to just openly and willingly try anything and everything until we find a way that works, but that’s just it…one of the best things about dance is that once you know something works-you use it until it no longer serves you, and then you keep searching to broaden your tool kit to create! There is evolution and growth in this art form that keeps me inspired and wanting more!

To New York, and Valentines day

To New York, Penn Station and Valentines Day

So I am currently writing on route to New York chasing after my dance dreams and I’m super excited. There isn’t really any internet even in business class where I’ll be until we reach the boarder (in about 2 hours).  SO I’m trying to catch little snippets of wifi from the Go Stations we pass. It’s a little crazy how slow the train is, I guess because it is still on the GO tracks it will have to be going at a comparable speed. But It’s still way nicer than a mega bus. I actually feel so classy right now! And although, the tickets were quite pricy, it’s an experience, and if Papa can help me pay for it, all the better! Next time I’ve already made a mental note that I will be taking Porter Airlines because Pj takes it all the time and Papa even looked up that there are student discounts with Porter. I have to say though, on the train there is some really great scenery. Also I hope to get up and walk around at least every 2 hours, I feel that would be a good idea to help prevent all the potential stiffness and such after a long day travelling.

That reminds me, tasks still to accomplish: Write to MIP- what is movement, and call the hostel to notify of late arrival.

I just want to recap a bunch of things that have been floating in my mind but also the exciting things that have happened this far for our reading week.

The first is Valentines Day. The 14th!It was Gillian’s birthday, which I wished her via text first thing in the morning. I had a very productive but peaceful morning to myself which I always like. Pj texted me that morning wondering what I thought of the previous night’s performance we saw (TDT/New York). And then I thought, Hey! If he’s texting me, I might as well ask him too! See I had to pick up and find some costume pieces for choreo this year and I was determined to scope out my discount options first. So I naturally texted every girlfriend of mine who I haven’t seen in a while and who would be a good shopping buddy. Pj was an after thought but I figured what’s the harm in asking? I also asked Sam, my Dutch/Moroccan counterpart. Anyways, I ended up going to Value Village on Queen East with PJ and had arranged to meet up with Sam later because he was staying at a friends’ place. PJ was actually really great to have as my little personal fashion consultant. Before we even went to value village, we got a Starbucks molten chocolate hot chocolate which was their valentines day special which was pretty good. The molten part was once soft chocolate with crunchy shit that sank to the bottom of the cup which; by the time I got to it, had hardened and became impossible to eat because it was so far down the cup, and I had no way to get at it.

Anyways I ended up buying these brown stretchy pants that were originally from anne taylor. But yesterday I wore them during rehearsal and they kept falling down! I could’ve sworn they fit in the store! Oh well, there goes 16$. You win some, you loose some But they are still nice pants.  After Value Village, we stopped at a little bakery that had great décor, and looked very rustic and quaint! PJ and I shared a butter brioche and he bought an artisan bread stick to go with his wine and cheese party later. He is one classy fella. He really does enjoy the refined things in life. Takes pride in dressing a certain way and maintaining himself in a certain way. Is he metrosexual? I don’t even know what that means, but it’s possible. He’s also my best friend, he’s so great!

Then I walked around in the Eaton Center for a bit and spent a good hour or so in Indigo looking at New York maps and books. It was great, I had this blessed little chunk of time to myself which was much needed after being social with people but also refreshing to be on my own too. It’s a comfortable thing really. And I’m hoping the best will come out of this trip too, because I feel pretty independent. I just need to be more assertive and speak up when I have questions, and just ask. Asking truly is a powerful and helpful tool to get around and to stay safe and sane.  Guess what. I’m 20. That’s pretty crazy right?! Well hell yeah I’m doing this! And Maybe I’ll even get to the Hubbard Street Dance Theatre Audition.  We’ll see. Either way I feel like I should dance twice. But I’ll see when I get to that point. Also I think its especially refreshing because I won’t have to be consoled or bossed around by strong personalities in my class. Although I love one of my classmates in particular to bits, I feel its good to have space from her too. At least I’m starting to believe it a bit more. Like I can see my easy- going way of being – completely overcome by the precise planning and scheduling of others. Which can then make it feel like I just tagged along instead of had an active role in the process of getting myself there. Leaning on others and relying on them to keep everyone in top form is never something I want to rely on. Then no one would want to travel with me I’m pretty sure. I guess only time can tell now though. I’ll be arriving late so wish me luck! Passing Grimsby now, Lovely orchards! I wonder what it was like for Taylor to grow up in Grimsby. Its almost like a taste of the country in this mix bag of energy and ethnicities that we call Ontario.

Anyways, back to the story. I met up with Sam at around 8pm and he biked his way down, which is crazy because it was literally so cold! I felt pretty, I had put on some make up that morning and had my “gumball” sweater on. I felt cozy. Also I kept my hat on the whole time with just a few strands of my blonde hair poking out. I felt good.  Sam was Sam. He’s so cool man, he’s actually so athletic its great and he has all the gear of a real outdoors man! We went to that place on Yonge for dinner, the one that has the windows open during the summers and looks like a pub/brewery. It was lovely. The basketball allstar game was on; on the screen behind me, so  I guess that was a good thing just in case conversation got slow, there was something for the man of this duo to get distracted by. Anyways just so we’re clear hear, because I have a feeling what I type here might haunt me later… I approached this meeting completely as friends. And I thought it was so great to hang out with him and even better that Sam could just be cool to hang out with me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just catching up. And  when you haven’t talked in a while its really nice to see one another because then there’s a lot to talk about.

I think that’s why I have problems with basic and simple communication between friends and family members. Because like I’m still me. And what on earth would you want me to talk to you about even if I called my mom or my dad or even Nana once a week? I don’t know,  it seems a little excessive to me. But the problem is, then I forget when was the last time I spoke with them and then weeks have sometimes turned into months and to them, who knows what I could be doing.  Anyways. It was great to catch up with Sam and he invited me to the Deadpool movie where Spencer was also going to join in on the movie fun. I said yes but had to flake last minute to prep for my rehearsal so I think I chose the better option; especially because I had a lot I needed to accomplish before New York.  Anyways I called him later and asked about how the movie was, which he told me was great. But it wasn’t until some time after that phone call did I realize I didn’t mention anything about myself- like I was going to tell him how well the rehearsal went, but I completely forgot. I’m going to try to hold onto that and remember that. The feeling of just calling someone to ask a question about something they experienced and not really care about me, myself and I all the time. I think this could be a stepping stone to actually growing up! I’m starting to genuinely care about others! Its kind of exciting. Like I never thought I would like , let a lone work with kids as a job (lifeguarding, instructing, coaching). But here I am. These things just take time I guess. I also need to be a little less hard on myself for thinking selfish thoughts at times. I should learn to acknowledge more and judge myself less.

Sam and I shared dessert which was on the house because our desserts came sooooo late. I think we left around 10pm, on second thought, I think we sat down around 7:30pm. He had a burger, I think I’ll get that next time to be honest, it looked really good but I did make note how he removed the tomato and lettuce before he ate. Meanwhile I had a mediocre chicken sandwhich with avocado, that was missing more vegetables! Oh well. That’s what you get for eating out I suppose.

Acting 101- monologues in class rant

 

 

Wow I feel like I’m not even a full human being right now. I feel like I just need to learn to just DO things, and JUST GO for it. I think too much, I fight against my natural impulses and it’s so strange because at the root of my being I know that I am capable and all I want to do is harness the full capacity of my true self and its fullest and truest form and not be afraid of it. I was doing a Valentine’s Day monologue of Julia Roberts’ and just tanked it. And I hope I didn’t come across as a cocky basted. I just wasn’t clear with my intention or the tactics behind what I wanted to say, the grounds for which it meant something to me and what I wanted to evoke from the other person.  I actually felt really lost.

 

I think one of the scariest re-directs was to feel like I was more available, dare I say wanting to date this handsome guy beside me. I feel like that is so out of my own character and just to think about trying to sideways- kind of seduce someone is something so foreign to me because I always judge myself when I’m in these circumstances. I always imagine what I look like from the outside when I try to “flirt” and I always assume it looks ridiculous and strange. SO what if it looked natural? What if I looked available, what if I looked attractive and approachable, because I am naturally. So why fight it?

 

I feel like I was fighting it because I don’t want to open the can of worms that I’m not good at flirting or the fact that I feel really awkward when I do. Because I know I wear my emotions on the surface, and I’m horrible at hiding my giddy excitement so that’s why I feel stupid and awkward when I’m trying to be in love, or giving in to the mutual awareness of attraction. Its scary, its unnerving, its exposing and I wish to keep distance in some way so that some mystery is still preserved. Also I’ve never really had the best mutual awareness between someone I really liked before. I mean Anthony was the closest thing to that and yet it seems like its tainted now. I guess I just need to think as my character, and how she, having a child but being single is desperate on some level for human contact even if only for a day or night.

I force back these emotions and desires because I don’t know how to cope with the situation and be fully present with love and admiration. To be fully aware and welcome this awareness is something very foreign to me . I guess I just have to let loose and settle into the fun of just casual flirting. That is something I can totally do. Be independent and uphold my strong exterior as “intelligent” but add a playfulness when talking about the stewardess.

I need to learn to be more subtle with my motivations and inner self-talk.

Ramblings, a reflective relationship

A final realization

So Matthew sees life in realistic terms. I do not. I choose to get hurt, to explore for myself what its like to navigate the world through open engaging eyes. I want the world so much. I want to live, I don’t want to stifle what lies inside.

Was I testing him too much? Was I actually too caught in my head to actually invite the relationship in one last time? Well I started to wander again. When snapchat told me that Mason always smiles when he’s around me or that Philip is still thinking about me, well it makes me wonder. Am I getting all that I could? I deeply feel like I can live more and recently I saw that what Steve has that Matthew does not. Steve has a playful mind, Matthew does not. I’m active, I care about my body, so does he but he doesn’t want to really enjoy his body with me. He’s afraid of insects, he hates dogs.

He wants to capture my voice he doesn’t want to enjoy my playing mandolin, but maybe that was his way of trying. I was too harsh on my perspective on my image of what I thought I wanted.

I wanted to be more open, but I couldn’t. I honestly tried and I know I did.

He’s just not the right one for me. There was always something lingering that was a disconnect that I feel can be a smaller disconnect if not, non-existent all together.

I choose to be positive, I choose to have energy, I choose to challenge myself and push my boundaries in terms of confidence and you know what, I think I did. I actually owned up to a lot of immaturity on my part.

I mean I am a horrible listener and I want to be better at it, and I want to be more engaged and truly there for people in a more genuine and real way. Maybe I said goodbye to one example of this, but I’m sure another will come along. I’m positive of it. I want to be there more for my mom and Taya and Steve and especially my dad and nana. I need to make genuine space for them and not be so selfish and caught up in my own self to not have a care in the world about anyone else. I deeply want to care, I want to be involved but sometimes I fear that the only way to sort of get in without making a scratch is to associate is temporal means. But by doing so, I get nowhere at all, just to be known but not truly known for being myself is surely not a way that one wishes to be known as.

What I learned is that I need a voice. I need to listen but I also need to make sure all my needs inquiries and questions are put upfront and not left to dwell and fester in the back of my mind, turning into things they don’t need to be. So in one way, I regret some of those things that made Matthew seem like a bad person. But in the long run I knew deep down within my heart it wasn’t going to work out. Like it can work,  but it wasn’t as effortless as I had originally imagined. But mostly it just doesn’t. It’s just not as fun as I think relationships can be and I want that for both of us. I’m just not in it. I tried, but it just didn’t click.